Weaponized Forgiveness & the Cost of Silence
Additional Resources from Our Interview with Dr. Andrew Bauman
It’s a scenario that plays out far too often. A woman, desperate for help, walks into her pastor’s office. She’s struggling—maybe it’s her husband’s porn use, unchecked anger, infidelity, or emotional abuse—and she’s finally built up the courage to say something.
And the first response she hears?
"Have you forgiven him?"
Not how are you?
Not are you safe?
Not what do you need?
Just a redirect away from her pain and toward the expectation that she extend grace.
When Forgiveness Becomes a Tool of Oppression
As Dr. Andrew Bauman discussed on our latest episode, forgiveness has been weaponized in faith communities—turned into a tool that shields harmful behavior, demands premature reconciliation, and places the burden of repair on the one who was harmed.
Instead of calling those who cause harm into accountability, the church has too often rushed past justice in favor of a cheap, performative grace—one that forces victims into silence and perpetrators into power.
And this isn’t just about abuse. This same dynamic plays out anytime harm is minimized, accountability is bypassed, and "moving on" is prioritized over truth-telling.
A wife who brings up her husband’s chronic deception is met with, “Just let it go—love keeps no record of wrongs.”
A congregant who questions spiritual manipulation is told, “You’re bitter—you need to forgive and move on.”
A woman addressing sexism in her church is labeled divisive for even naming the issue.
When forgiveness is weaponized, it stops being about healing and instead becomes a way to maintain power dynamics.
Where Do We Go From Here?
If we want to create faith communities that are actually safe, we have to stop using forgiveness as a fast pass out of accountability. Instead, we must ask better questions:
What does true accountability look like?
Forgiveness is a personal process, but accountability is a communal one. How do we ensure that those who harm others are required to take responsibility?
Who is centered in the conversation?
If the primary concern is restoring the one who caused harm rather than supporting the one who was harmed, we’re doing it wrong.
Are we forcing reconciliation?
Forgiveness doesn’t require a relationship to continue. Sometimes the healthiest and most God-honoring choice is separation.
How do we move beyond the power-over dynamic?
When faith becomes about control rather than collaboration, abuse is inevitable. What would it look like to build communities where power is shared rather than wielded?
Going Deeper
Dr. Bauman explores these issues extensively in his book, Safe Church: How to Guard Against Sexism and Abuse in Christian Communities. If this conversation resonated with you (or challenged you), we highly recommend checking it out.
Let’s keep the conversation going.
Have you experienced or witnessed forgiveness being used in this way? What helped you navigate it? Drop your thoughts in the comments—we’d love to hear from you.